“Grief is the price we pay for love.”
Queen Elizabeth II wrote this in a letter to bereaved British families who had lost loved ones during the September 11 attacks. When we are emotionally invested in a relationship, the grief we feel from losing that person, whether due to death or separation, can be overwhelming. We can also grieve non-human losses, such as life transitions (moving, retirement, an empty nest), the loss of a pet, or the impact of physical and mental impairments.
“Is my grieving normal?” is a question often asked by those in grief. Sometimes, grief can make us feel as if we’re losing control, filling us with helplessness and a sense of unfairness. It’s common to feel angry, regretful, abandoned, or even suicidal. Some people may wonder how they can return to work and routine so quickly after a loss, questioning whether they’ve moved on too fast.
So, what does grieving look like? Each person’s experience of loss is unique, and the emotional and behavioural response to it is understandable. However, this does not mean it’s okay to act on unsafe and unhealthy urges such as suicidal thoughts. Doka (2016) described two grieving styles: intuitive and instrumental. Intuitive grievers are more emotionally focused (e.g., crying or expressing anger toward themselves or others), while instrumental grievers tend to focus on tasks or thoughts (e.g., channeling energy into work or ruminating on events leading up to the loss). Grieving styles fall on a spectrum, and most people find themselves somewhere along that continuum.
Difficulties arise when we cannot express our grief, either because we do not allow ourselves to or are constrained by circumstances. For example, Tina, who lost her husband in a road accident, believed she needed to stay strong for her two young children. She pushed herself to focus on caregiving and work, eventually becoming exhausted, irritable, and short-tempered. When she finally sought therapy, she cited burnout as her primary concern, not realising that repressing her grief had led her to project her emotions onto other areas of her life.
Trauma can further complicate grief, especially in cases such as losing a loved one to suicide. The trauma can be so overwhelming that it overshadows or suppresses the grief. Trauma responses may be confused with grief, preventing the trauma from being properly addressed.
Guilt and shame can also intensify grief. While a certain level of guilt or regret is normal, excessive guilt can be crippling, leading to rumination. Shame can deeply affect us, leaving us feeling inadequate or as though we are “bad.” When guilt and shame become overwhelming, they prevent us from making a healthy and positive appraisal of the loss.
If you’ve experienced a major change or loss, it may be important to recognise whether you need to grieve. Be kind to yourself and allow the space for grief in whatever way feels most comfortable. Talk to someone you trust or, if you prefer to grieve privately, try journaling or finding a meaningful way to honour the memory of what you’ve lost.
Grief is often most intense when the loss is recent, and its intensity typically lessens over time. However, it’s not uncommon to experience strong waves of grief at certain moments. Think of grief like standing in the sea after a loss: at first, the waves crash against you repeatedly, making it hard to breathe or stay steady. Over time, the water recedes and the waves grow gentler. Yet, every now and then, a big wave may come back, and the grief can feel as fresh as it did at the beginning. With time, though, it gets easier.
Reference
Doka, K. J. (2016). Grief is a journey: Finding your path through loss. Atria Books.
If you're finding it hard to return to normal functioning, or if your symptoms are severely impairing, know that you don’t have to go through it alone. Whether you or someone you know is struggling with grief, trauma, or overwhelming emotions, our compassionate team at Private Space Medical is here to offer the care, support, and guidance you need. Reach out to us to begin your path toward healing.
Siti Mariam
Principal Therapist
Principal Therapist