Divorce may end a marriage, but it does not end parenting. For many parents, the difficult part begins after the separation: learning how to make decisions together, communicate across two homes, and put a child’s wellbeing ahead of unresolved hurt or disagreement.
A recent case in Singapore, in which a divorced couple went to court over which primary school their child should attend, brought these challenges into the public conversation. But for many families, disagreements over schools, routines and parenting decisions are not courtroom matters. These are everyday struggles that can quietly strain both parents and children.
In this article, Joanne Goh, Principal Therapist at Private Space Medical, shares insights from her 958FM conversation about the underlying causes of these conflicts, how parents can approach co-parenting differently, and when seeking support may help families move forward.
A conversation with Joanne Goh, Principal Therapist, adapted from her 958FM interview on 1 October 2026 *
Recently in Singapore, a divorced couple ended up in court because they couldn’t agree on which primary school their child should go to. In the end, a judge had to decide. It got a lot of people talking.
I was invited onto 958FM to chat about it, and I wanted to share that conversation here because so many of the parents I meet are quietly dealing with the same thing, just without the headlines.
Disagreeing is normal, even in a good marriage. So why does it turn into "I'm right, you're wrong"?
You’re right, every couple disagrees, even couples who are happily married. What changes after a divorce is that the cushion is gone. When you’re married, you argue, but there’s usually a way back. You share a home, a history, a bit of closeness, and you make up. After a divorce, most of those chances to make up just aren’t there anymore.
There’s a researcher I often refer to, Dr John Gottman. He found that about 69 per cent of the conflicts in any relationship never actually get “solved”. They come from real differences in personality, in needs, and in what each person values. The couples who do well aren’t the ones who solve everything. They’re the ones who keep talking and stay curious about what’s really worrying the other person.
After a divorce, that talking often stops. And when it stops, the issue gets stuck. Gottman calls it gridlock. Both people get more rigid, they stop wondering why the other person sees it that way, and the other parent starts to feel like an obstacle instead of a person with a different worry. That’s the moment it turns into “I’m right and you’re wrong”.
And usually, it’s not really about being right. It’s about needing to feel that you still matter in your child’s life.
On the surface, this is about choosing a school. What's really going on underneath?
I think about it in three layers. The top layer is the practical stuff: which school, which neighbourhood, who does the pick-up. Under that are values: what does a “good” education, or a “good” childhood, even look like? And right at the bottom is trust.
Often, without realising it, parents are asking themselves: Can I trust your judgment with my child? Can I trust that you won’t use this decision against me later? And do I still count as a parent, even though the marriage is over?
If trust was already damaged during the marriage, through betrayal, broken promises, or just feeling unheard, it doesn’t get left behind at the divorce. It walks straight into decisions like which school to choose.
So when parents fight this hard over one decision, it’s rarely about that decision. It’s about whether they can still trust each other, and whether they still count.
The marriage is over, but the parenting goes on. Why is co-parenting often harder than the marriage was?
Because it’s a brand-new relationship, and nobody hands you a rulebook. So many people try to run it on old marriage habits, and those habits don’t fit anymore.
What helps is to think of each other as teammates, what we call a parenting alliance. You’re no longer partners in marriage, but you’re still partners in raising this child, and you share one goal, which is your child’s wellbeing. Like any good team, you need clear roles, a reliable way to communicate, a few agreed ground rules, and respect for each other as parents, even if the warmth between you is gone.
I sometimes tell parents to think of it as a small joint venture. The “product” is your child’s stability. You don’t have to be friends. But you do have to work as teammates, not as rivals fighting for control.
And if you can’t cooperate yet, that’s okay. Parallel parenting is a perfectly legitimate option. Each of you runs your own home well, and you keep contact minimal and structured. That isn’t failing. It keeps the team intact while you rebuild.
Every parent says, "I'm doing this for my child's good." How do we talk about our differences without the other person feeling dismissed?
Start by getting curious instead of defending yourself. Let me give you an example. Say your child comes back from a weekend at the other home with homework not done. The version that goes wrong is: “You’re spoiling him. You let him skip homework every weekend at your place.” Straight away, the other parent feels attacked, and they hit back.
Try this instead: “I’ve noticed his homework isn’t getting done after weekends with you. I’m not sure what’s happening, but he’s starting to fall behind. Can we figure out together how to help him?”
Same concern, but a very different conversation. The first one attacks the other parent’s character. The second describes what you’ve noticed, admits you don’t have the full picture, and invites them to solve it with you. The conversation stays on your child instead of on who’s the better parent, and that’s what stops the other person from getting defensive.
When should parents bring in a therapist or a mediator? Does that mean they've failed?
I’d turn that question around. Asking for help is one of the clearest signs of good parenting. A good leader knows when to call in a specialist, and a good parent knows when a problem is bigger than two people in conflict can solve alone. That’s good judgment, not weakness.
How do you know it’s time? When the same argument keeps coming back with no resolution. When you’re only talking through angry texts or through lawyers. When a decision has been stuck for months. Or when your child starts showing signs of stress.
Mediation or co-parenting counselling gives you a neutral space and practical tools that are really hard to build on your own, especially in the raw early days after a divorce. Court should be the last resort, not the first move. Getting help early is one of the most protective things you can do for your child.
If a child already feels the tension, or even knows about the court case, what should parents do or protect most?
I would definitely think that it’s the child’s freedom to love both parents without feeling guilty. The biggest threat to that is putting the child in a loyalty conflict, and parents often do it without meaning to.
A common example I get as a therapist is asking, “Did Mummy have a new friend over?” or “Do you have more fun at Daddy’s house?” Even when it’s asked lightly, the child is trapped. If they answer, they feel they’ve betrayed one parent. If they stay quiet, they feel they’ve betrayed the other.
A safer way is to tell your child clearly that they never have to report on the other home. You could say, “You don’t ever have to tell me what happens at Dad’s, unless you want to share something because it made you happy.” That one sentence takes your child out of the role of messenger or spy, and lets them simply be a child in both homes.
And if your child already knows about the court case, be honest in a way that suits their age. Let them know it’s between the adults, that it’s not their job to fix it, and that it’s not something they caused.
If you’re a parent finding this hard, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to work it out by yourselves.
When parenting after divorce becomes difficult to navigate, having the right support can make a meaningful difference. At Private Space Medical, our experienced team of psychiatrists and therapists works with individuals and families through relationship, parenting and emotional challenges — with care, perspective and a focus on moving forward.
Sometimes, getting the right help is simply another way of taking care of your family.
