When I ask some of my male patients why they waited so long to seek help for their mental health struggles, a common theme emerges: they initially felt they could handle things themselves. These are fathers, husbands, professionals and retirees — men who are capable, accomplished and seemingly on top of both work and family. From the outside, they appear to have it all together, until they don’t. The problem is that this often means waiting until things become much harder than they need to be.
Men are generally less likely to seek professional help for depression and anxiety, and their symptoms can sometimes be overlooked because emotional distress doesn’t always look like sadness or obvious worry. Sometimes it looks more like irritability, poor sleep, drinking more than usual, withdrawing from others or simply not feeling like yourself.
This isn’t because men struggle less. For many, it’s because they’ve spent years being told, directly or indirectly, that being strong means keeping their struggles to themselves.
The good news is that regular exercise, staying connected with people, finding healthier ways to manage stress and reframing help-seeking as a strength can all make a meaningful difference. Men don’t necessarily need an entirely different approach to mental wellness, just one that meets them where they are.
1. Start by redefining what strength means
Somewhere along the way, many men grow up with the idea that being resilient means being able to manage everything without help. However, resilience is not the same as suffering quietly. Recognising and acknowledging a struggle before reaching breaking point isn’t weakness — it’s the first step towards change.
I’ve seen men wait months or even years before seeking help because they felt their problems were not “serious enough.” By the time they finally came for treatment, the problem had often become much more difficult to untangle.
You don’t have to wait until you reach breaking point before taking yourself seriously. And taking your struggles seriously often means having someone to talk to, rather than carrying everything alone.
2. Rebuild real connections, not just shared activities
Most men are not short of social contact. They see colleagues daily, meet friends for drinks, play sports together and get added to multiple WhatsApp groups. But that isn’t necessarily the same as having someone they can turn to when life grinds them down.
As we get older, friendships also become harder to maintain. Work, marriage, children and other responsibilities take up much of our time.
Staying connected doesn’t always require much effort. It can be as simple as being the one to ask a friend, “How are you really doing?” and meaning it, or being willing to answer that question honestly yourself when it’s asked.
3. Find an identity beyond the provider role
For many men, a significant part of their self-worth is tied to being the provider, the fixer or the one who’s supposed to have things under control. This can work well for a long time, until a job loss, a health scare, retirement or simply the passage of time reveals how much of their identity rests on that single role.
It’s worth deliberately building a sense of self that isn’t entirely dependent on career success or being needed by others. This might mean developing interests, nurturing relationships or identifying personal values that would still matter even if your job or responsibilities changed tomorrow.
Having a sense of identity beyond these roles can provide greater stability when life takes an unexpected turn.
4. Take your body seriously
Men may feel more comfortable acknowledging physical symptoms than emotional ones. Depression in men can sometimes present through physical complaints such as persistent fatigue, unexplained aches, digestive problems, poor sleep or a noticeable drop in libido. Anxiety, too, may show up as physical tension, restlessness or irritability rather than obvious worry.
Of course, these symptoms can have other medical causes, which is why persistent or unexplained changes shouldn’t be ignored.
Exercise is one of the simplest things we can do for our mental health, and the evidence supporting its benefits is strong. A large systematic review found that even relatively modest levels of physical activity were associated with a lower risk of depression.
A regular walk, going to the gym, playing football with friends, swimming or simply being more active during the week can be a good place to start.
Exercise isn’t a substitute for appropriate treatment when someone is struggling with their mental health, but it can play an important role in supporting recovery.
5. Build a toolkit of active coping strategies, not just willpower
It’s always easier to fall back on whatever gives us the quickest relief when we’re going through a difficult period. For some people, that might be drinking. For others, it might be staying constantly busy, spending hours gaming, working excessively or withdrawing from everyone.
The problem is that some of these strategies make us feel better in the short term but leave us worse off in the longer term.
A healthier coping toolkit doesn’t need to be complicated. Self-care can be as simple as eating well, maintaining a routine, exercising, making time for enjoyable activities and using humour to put difficult experiences into perspective.
Social or team sports offer several benefits at once — exercise, social contact, a sense of belonging and the satisfaction of getting better at something.
You don’t have to do everything. The aim is simply to have more than one way of getting through a difficult day.
6. Be honest about alcohol and other substances
A common pattern I see is alcohol quietly shifting from something social into something functional — a way to switch off at the end of a hard day or to feel normal enough to get through one.
This is worth paying attention to early because alcohol is a depressant, and using it to manage stress can worsen mood, sleep and anxiety over time, even though it may feel like relief in the moment.
If drinking or other substance use has become your main way of coping with stress, it may be a sign that an underlying stress or mood issue hasn’t been properly addressed.
Sometimes, the people closest to us notice these changes before we recognise them ourselves.
7. Show up fully in relationships and fatherhood
Being physically present isn’t the same as being emotionally available. I often see men who are reliable providers and present fathers but who have quietly withdrawn emotionally without realising it. Partners and children may notice this long before it gets addressed.
Being emotionally present doesn’t mean having all the answers. It can be as simple as sitting with a partner’s difficult feelings without immediately trying to fix them, or letting a child see that it’s normal for their father to have an off day and talk about it.
This kind of openness, when modelled consistently, can help children develop healthier ways of understanding and expressing their own emotions.
8. Understand why seeking help can feel so difficult
Men may be willing to seek informal support from friends or family but are often less likely to seek formal, professional help for their mental health. Social expectations that discourage emotional openness can play a significant role.
Common barriers include a strong emphasis on self-reliance, a fear of losing control, minimising symptoms as “not serious enough” to warrant help, and concerns about privacy and stigma.
So telling men to “just talk about it” isn’t always enough. For some, hearing from another man who has been through something similar can make a difference. For others, they may feel more at ease confiding in someone they know, in a familiar and comfortable setting.
You don’t need to have the whole story worked out before asking for help. It can start with something as simple as:
“I’ve not been myself recently, and I’m not sure what’s going on.”
Or:
“I’ve been struggling lately with my mood and sleep. Can I talk to you about it?”
Sometimes, that first conversation is the hardest part.
9. Don't wait until there's a crisis
There are certain periods in life when men may be particularly vulnerable — losing a job, going through a divorce or separation, receiving a new health diagnosis, losing a parent or approaching retirement.
These are also times when many men are tempted to keep their heads down and simply get on with things. But this is exactly when it’s worth checking in with yourself.
- How have you been sleeping?
- Has your drinking changed?
- Are you more irritable than usual?
- Have you stopped enjoying things you normally enjoy?
- Are you avoiding people?
- Do you feel that you’re just going through the motions?
If you notice a friend, partner or family member withdrawing, becoming unusually irritable, drinking more or simply “not being themselves,” it’s worth checking in directly rather than assuming it will pass on its own.
A simple “You don’t seem quite yourself lately. How are you really doing?” can open a door.
Men die by suicide at substantially higher rates than women in many countries, which is one reason early recognition and intervention matter. The intention isn’t to alarm anyone. It’s to remind us that mental health deserves attention before someone reaches a crisis.
Looking after your mental health starts with one step
You don’t have to do everything at once. Looking after your mental health doesn’t need to become another item on your already long to-do list.
Start with one thing.
- Go for a walk.
- Call a friend.
- Spend some uninterrupted time with your family.
- Cut back on drinking.
- Make an appointment with your doctor.
- Or simply acknowledge that you haven’t been doing as well as you’d like.
You don’t have to prove that you can cope with everything alone. Taking your mental health seriously isn’t giving up. It’s part of taking responsibility for yourself, your relationships and the people who depend on you.
If you've been finding things harder than usual, or simply want to better understand how you're coping, our experienced psychiatrists and psychologists at Private Space Medical can help you explore your concerns and consider the support that may be right for you. Contact us to arrange a consultation.
If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, support is available. Reaching out to a doctor, mental health professional or crisis helpline is an important step towards getting help. If there is immediate danger, seek emergency assistance.
Dr Tan Ho Teck
Senior Consultant Psychiatrist
Senior Consultant Psychiatrist
