When the Fight Isn’t About the Gift
A therapist’s guide to a gentler giving season and what couples are really arguing about.
This is a reflection from an interview I did with Capital958FM on 14 May 2025, with notes from my Gottman Method training. – Joanne Goh, Principal Therapist at Private Space Medical
There are times when a couple enters into my therapy room and then one of them says: “We had a huge fight… over getting presents during this Christmas season (or other festive seasons).
When couples clash over buying gifts – “why did you buy this or that?” or “why are we spending so much on this? – they are rarely fighting about the gift. What I am actually hearing is two sets of values, habits and fears, all these parts coming together, bumping each other. This gift carries a lot of “meaning”, each different to one another.
The real meaning behind the gift:
For most of us, a present quietly stands in for something much bigger:
- Love and care. “If you loved me, you’d know what would delight me.”
- Face and family standing. “What will your parents think if we show up empty-handed?”
- Money anxiety. “Can we actually afford all of this?”
- The invisible mental load. The remembering, choosing, shopping, wrapping, posting – usually held in one person’s head.
- Family-of-origin rituals. The way your family “always” did the holidays, which quietly becomes our own private rulebook.
So beneath the argument sit three much tenderer questions:
What does giving mean to me?
What did I learn about money and gifts growing up?
And what am I afraid will happen if we don’t do it my way?
According to John Gottman, this is what he considered as a gridlock! When a disagreement won’t budge, it is usually because there is a hidden dream, meaning or history behind each partner’s position. So the focus is not about winning this argument, it is about understanding the thing that lies underneath the argument. Gottman’s research also found that roughly 69% of a couple’s ongoing conflict is “perpetual”. It is rooted in lasting differences in personality and values rather than something to be solved once and filed away (Gottman & Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work). This gift argument is such classic perpetual problem.
Once the couple is able to see this gridlock, something softens. You are not “too sensitive” or “impossible.” You are just two people bringing two different histories into one relationship and trying to celebrate from inside both at once.
Three patterns that make gift season harder:
As you read these, just notice which one sounds most like you and your partner. No judgement and just the awareness!
1. The Spender vs. the Saver
One partner leans toward generosity. One says: “It’s once a year, let’s be warm and generous.”
The other leans toward safety and says: “I’m worried about January’s credit-card bill.” On the surface it is about how much to spend.
Underneath, one is protecting joy and connection and the other is protecting security and control. Guess what – both are completely valid!
Do watch out when the conversation goes into “you are stingy” or “ you are irresponsible.” These are character attacks and Gottman’s research names them as criticism and contempt. Criticism and contempt are two of the “Four Horseman” which can damage a relationship with contempt being the single strongest predictor of divorce (Gottman & Silver, Seven Principles). Aim a complaint at the situation (“I’m anxious about the budget”), never at your partner’s worth.
2. The Planner vs. the Last-Minute One
The planner tracks the dates, thinks ahead, wraps, delivers and over time can feel quietly alone: “I’m the only one holding all of this. Why don’t you care?”
The last-minute partner is often more spontaneous, doesn’t see the urgency, and tends to feel nagged: “Whatever I do, it’s never enough.”
So the planner feels unsupported, the last-minute one feels criticised, both feel misunderstood and all of it is happening around getting a present for someone.
Again, Gottman would frame the planner’s sighs and reminders as bids for connection and partnership. His or her small attempts to say “help me carry this.” In his work, he stressed the importance of how partners need to turn towards those bids rather than turning away or against them (Gottman, The Relationship Cure).The repair here is rarely a perfect to-do list; it is the last-minute partner turning toward the bid: “Tell me one job that’s mine this week” and the planner letting that be enough.
3. The Pleaser vs. the Boundary-Setter
In this section, the pleaser avoids leaving anyone out and fears disapproval: “We have to buy for everyone, or they’ll be hurt.” Then the boundary-setter sees the cost in time, money and energy and fears burnout: “If we keep saying yes to everything, we will be too tired.” The surface question is how many people should they take into account but underneath it’s a fear of disapproval meeting a fear of overload.
So a quick glance at these three patterns:
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The surface fight
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What each partner is really protecting
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The Gottman lens
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|---|---|---|
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Spender vs. Saver
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Joy and generosity vs. safety and control
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A perpetual problem rooted in values, not a flaw to fix
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Planner vs. Last-minute
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Being seen and supported vs. not being nagged
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Bids for connection and the mental load; turning toward vs. away
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Pleaser vs. Boundary-setter
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Avoiding disapproval vs. avoiding burnout
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Two legitimate dreams in conflict; needs compromise, not a winner
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What can couples do?
One of the kindest moves a couple can make is simply to name the dynamic out loud yet gently, remembering that you are all in a team and say: “I think I’m more of the planner, and you’re more last-minute. Can we figure out how to work with that instead of fighting about it every December?”
Naming the pattern is the first step toward what Gottman calls accepting influence, that means letting your partner’s perspective genuinely shift your own. In his research, he found that relationships are more stable and happy when partners take each other’s views into account rather than digging in (Gottman & Silver, Seven Principles). You don’t have to agree; you do have to let the other person matter, so that the other person feels heard.
This is what you can do:
Because of all these hidden meanings, the single most useful thing I ask couples to do is simple: plan a little before you buy. Think of it not as something rigid and joyless, but as a quick map so you do not get lost, react and snap at each other along the way. This is just a 10 to 15 minute conversation, not a long team meeting.
Following are three factors to consider:
1. Budget
Set a realistic total. “What can we spend this season without feeling scared or regretful in January?” It does not need to be a perfect number. You just need a shared range, so one person is not panicking while the other is happily buying.
2. Priority people
Agree on your must-give few. “Who are the top three to five people or groups we truly want to give to this year?” Once this is clear, everyone else moves into a “great if we can, but not at all costs” tier, which is exactly where the pleaser and the boundary-setter can come to an agreement.
3. Type of gift and what it says about you
Match gifts to your shared values. “What kind of giving fits who we are: practical, romantic, experiences, handmade, a shared meal?” Maybe the grifts can be fun and age-appropriate for the kids; simple and thoughtful for the adults. When the gift fits your values, you feel at peace with it even if it looks nothing like what other families do.
The above maps into what I often do in couple’s therapy where I use a Gottman compromising tools called the “donut” exercise. Each partner pictures an inner circle of non-negotiables and an outer circle of areas they can stay flexible on, then looks for the overlap (Gottman & Silver, Seven Principles; Gottman Method couples therapy training). Your “priority people” are the inner circle; everything in the outer circle is where the real negotiating will be.
Remember: Aim for “Good enough for both, not “Perfect for one”.
You don’t need to agree on every detail: the exact brand, the precise wrapping. What matters is that both of you feel heard, the spending sits within what you can handle, and the giving reflects your shared values. Chasing perfect for one person will create pressure and disappointment. “Good enough for both” lead towards cooperation and relief and it is simply the everyday face of compromise, where each partner yields something so the relationship can win.
Finally, write notes about the event and then reflect later:
When everything is over, take five or ten minutes together to look back together as a couple, not as an audit:
- “What worked well for us this year?”
- “Where did we still feel stressed or resentful?”
- “What’s one thing we’ll do differently next time to make it kinder for both of us?”
This is the REAL gift:
If you do this every time, even in a small way, you are not just exchanging presents, you are learning to honour each other’s values, soothe each other’s fears, and carry the mental load as a team. You are practising the everyday skills that, in Gottman’s research, separate the couples who flourish from those who quietly drift: turning toward each other, accepting influence, repairing early, and building shared meaning.
And this is the real gift.
Sources & Further Reading
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. — perpetual vs. solvable problems and the ~69% finding; gridlock and “dreams within conflict”; the Four Horsemen; accepting influence; compromise and the “two circles” exercise; the Sound Relationship House and creating shared meaning.
- Gottman, J. M. The Relationship Cure. — bids for connection and the importance of turning toward rather than away.
- Gottman Method Couples Therapy training materials. — clinical framing of the “two circles” compromise tool and the Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident (processing past events).
